I don't believe in the "forever," coming out of any guy's mouth. The men who truly are men will not promise forever. A true man will not make a promise he cannot or does not know if he can or will be able to fulfill. I am so quick to believe people general. I've believed guys when they've said forever, or when we talked about getting married and having kids. The truth is it's almost 6pm and I'm sitting here in my pajamas and my eyes are still ridiculously puffy from this morning. What does that mean? It means I'm single. It was a very difficult morning to say the least.
There are a lot of lies in my head I've believed. Lies like, "I'm not beautiful/smart/mature enough. No one will ever love me. I'm not enough to have someone fight for me. I'm not worth it. I'm never going to get married or have kids." Lies I have believed for a very, very long time. This is the monster that faced me this morning. It's easier to give in than it is to get up off my butt and stop crying. It's easier to continue in the same stupid vicious cycle than it would be to stop it. I know my typical next move, but I'm not going there. And in response to those lies swirling in my head I fought back with tears running down my face: "I am enough. I am worth the fight. I am beautiful. I am smart. I was wonderfully and fearfully created. I was made in the image of God. The Lord is my father and he loves me and will never forsake me. He is strong in my weakness. He is everything I need. I am not alone. I am the daughter of a King, forgiven and redeemed." And there was silence. Beautiful, and amazing peace.
This is only the beginning. It's been a hard week, and I'm really hurt and bruised. I've felt the icy knock of bitterness on the door of my heart and I won't let it in. I don't want to be distrustful, spiteful, and pessimistic. I want to believe in happy endings, and forever. I want to believe that there is someone out there for me, made specially for me, and I for him. There is such a thing as real-life fairy tales. There is one written for me. Meanwhile Prince Charming decides to make his fashionably late entrance, I've got a lot of things to work on, and withdrawals to get through. It's gonna be alright.
He is strong in my weakness.
There's a lot on my mind of as lately. And I do wish to clarify my last post. BUT not that I haven't had enough time. I just want to get all my thoughts in order before I post something up and there's just so very much going through my head and I know nobody even reads this so who cares right? But, I really wanna process my thoughts very nicely and thoroughly. I really enjoy writing, putting things down and sounding like I have some substance, which is hard. I'm kidding. It's been a long time since I've genuinely felt inspired to write something a tad bit enlightening. For myself at least. I'm eons beyond some of my peers, but I'm coming along nicely or so I'd like to think. So in case some of you were wondering: Yes, I do wish to continue to write and yes, I will be posting something soon. (give it a few days). Thanks. Have a wonderful, amazing day.
The more I venture outside the comfort of my home, the more I look past the walls of my world, the more I am around other people that are not believers, the more I realize how empty. How depressingly empty the promises of this world are.
I really love where my life is headed even though some of it is still uncertain. As of lately, things have been looking up, and even though, I recieve a billion calls from creditors it doesn't worry me. In two weeks, I will recieve my paycheck and I will wisely prioritize where my money needs to go. It's hard to not get sucked into the idea: How much or what you have determines your value as a person. I want a Blackberry Curve. I want internet bundled with texts. I want...
